Hello this is THEYARD and its been quite awhile since I’ve posted an entry to this blog. Been busy or should I say been getting high. Yeah I’ve been killing myself slowly for quite sometime now. Haven’t surrendered nor have I made any progress in recovery. It hurts and I look around and see people who were just as hopeless as I am now doing well and moving on with their life. I just lost my job one of may during the last 20 years so I should be used to it. No it still hurts and I wonder if I will ever get this thing. I keep hearing that all I need to do is surrender. When I think I’ve surrendered It seems it was just a bluff. Maybe I one of the ones who have to die for others to live. I’ll be 48 years old in a couple of weeks and I’m just as hopeless today as I was when I started this 20 years ago. Do you know what it feels like to hear from your peers from the past and they have master degrees, houses, getting ready to retire. Hell I have nothing nothing nothing. If anyone can give some concrete suggestions on what I can do to progress in recovery without a lot of psyco babble please help
I just read your blog – it made me cry. I am not an addicted person so I don’t know what to say to you to help. In my book you are a great person with so much potential. I missed being in touch with you. Every day I think and pray for you. Hope to hear from you. Love and Peace.
jane i’m sorry to make you cry. you have done so much for me and I do appreciate it so very much. I’ve been struggling with addiction for over 20 years now and sometimes I dont think I will every make it. Its just so hard for me right now
Thank you sister andre for the pizza and the movie yesterday i really needed it. Took some suggestions yesterday and called 3 three people in my starting to build network
Well friends of Hezekiah. I’ve decided to make a decision that could save my life. I was accepted in treatment at Perry Point but the wait is 5-6 weeks. In 5-6 weeks I’ll be dead. I’m slowly but surely killing myself and I can’t seem to stop. Tomorrow morning I will be going to the Helping Up Mission. It’s a year long Bible base spiritual program. I need to get away because the isolation is not good for me. So i surrender and start over. It will be at least a month before I can make a post. I’ll let you know what’s going on and how I’m doing.
Today is the day that I start over. I’m going to the Helping Up mission today. Not sure If I’ll get in today but I will get In. I’m frustrated and disappointed that I have to make a move like this and giving up my own place but its totally necessary. Surrender that all I keep hearing. Well this is a surrender. I cant go on like this and live. I’m dying here. At least this will give me an opportunity to live. There’s a 45 day black out so I wont have access to the outside for over a month and a half. I’ll make it. Well lets start this thing, pray for me.